10.Mikey
There is no way that Mikey likes it. Unless "it" is a hammer dick. Nobody likes Life. So I'm assuming this picky mother fucker doesn't like it either. I also don't like the fact that Mikey wasn't always the same kid. How many Mikey's are out there that don't like anything but just so happen to like this shitty cereal? Somebody isn't telling the truth out there so I'm taking Seal Team 6 with me to get to the bottom of it.
9.Snap, Crackle and Pop
Definite circle jerk going on behind the scenes with these three. Their next pitch will undoubtedly be an ookie cookie cereal. Let's break these guys down. Crackle is a straight up bitch, always freakin out over some bullshit. Snap thinks his shit don't stink. Newsflash buddy, you're 3 inches tall and you're wearing a purple scarf. That brings us to Pop. I'm not gonna lie Pop is kind of hood. But being a part of this threesome is not helping your street cred.
8.Buzz (Honey Nut Cheerios)
I don't quite understand Buzz. You and your boys work so hard to make that honey and you just give that shit away? Scratch that, you don't just give it away, you shove it down people's throats. Don't force that shit on me buddy. And I know if I see a bee coming towards me I'm not listening to his pitch about cereal, I'm fucking bouncing. Bees suck. Never fun. No need for them at all. You need them to spread pollen? Nope I'm good. No bees for no flowers is an even trade in my book. Fuck spiders too.
7.Trix Rabbit
Bro, if you want some Trix, eat them. Why does this rabbit always let those punk ass kids tell him what he can and can't eat? If I were that rabbit I would stab those kids in the neck with a carrot and then eat my Trix on top of their dead bodies...just sayin. Since this guy has no sack he gets to be number 7 on the list.
6.Sonny (cocoa puffs)
Sonny is the product of a little bias. If I'm going crunchy brown puffs I'm going Reese's Puffs all day. But cereal aside Sonny is wack. Bird can never control himself. You're not going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs you're just retarded. And what's with the high voice? Sonny's bird nuggets must not have dropped yet. But anyway Sonny's gay, end of story.
5. Toucan Sam
Sam might have been a little lower on my list but I can't hate on a fellow Jew. He's a smug, know it all, big nosed douche. But as far as birds go he's at the top of the list. One request though, stop trying to lead me Sam, I'm doing my own thing. Kick rocks.
4. Lucky
Lucky, Lucky, Lucky...what a sneaky little bastard. Dude has scats though, I'll give him that. Little kids stay chasing him all over the place, and right when they think they have him? Boom. Lucky hits them with the question. Can you name all the lucky charms? Yeah those kids always know them, but while they are racking their brains Lucky hops on a rainbow and he's fucking OUT. He does have the best cereal in my opinion though. Magically delicious indeed Lucky, magically delicious indeed.
3.Cap'n Crunch
The Captain is pimp. No attire in the cereal mascot industry has the same effect as the Cap'n. Look at that hat, that's a nice hat, lots of room for the eyebrows. Dude's gotta be pushing 60 with that white hair and he still pulls the youngins like nobody's business. Fuck Soggie's, Crunch Berries stand up!
2.Tony The Tiger
Tony the Tiger. Let that sit and marinate for a bit. Tony the dick swinging, handkerchief wearing, tiger snatch demolishing...Tiger. Definitely gets mad pussy. If Tony was a man, he'd be a man's man. After that bowl of frosted flakes the guy is unstoppable. A certified boss. What kid doesn't want to hang with Tony? It's a guaranteed good time.
1.Count Chocula
I was never much of a fan of Count Chocula cereal but I'll be damned if that Count Chocula wasn't the coolest mother fucker out there. Just dripping with vampire swag. Oh, you don't want that cereal? Well, you're gonna cry your tits off for it from that steel cage in the front of the shopping cart when you see the Count and his spider Egor on that box. Game over. Game fucking over.
Honorable mentions: Honeycomb dude, old ass Waffle Crisp granny's, Fred Flintstone, Cookie Crisp bandits
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