No..
Do I drink beers with Dr. Phil on the weekends?
Fuck No...
Did I write a bestseller on how to be the best damn Dad in the world?
No but I am working on it..
But I do have THREE pretty awesome ankle biters that think I'm the shit and the last time I checked that's three pretty good reasons that you might want to pay attention when I dole out the parenting tips around here.. In fact this may turn into a weekly installment so mark your calenders and take some notes.
Let's start with the basics here....
When lifting a baby, make sure you support the lil booger pickers neck...the THING is tiny, and you need to make sure you don't fold it like a slice of pizza, so be gentle- but you gotta act like you know what you're doing here, kids can smell fear,you gotta make a good impression act like a boss or your kid is gonna know your a bitch right from the jump and that's not a good way to start this relationship off. He will be walking all over your weak ass for the next 18 years of his life just cause you got pussy hands, is that what you want pussy hands?
Listen, I can't stress this one enough...if you play with fire you are gonna get burnt! would you stick your dick in a wood chipper? how about your tongue at a weed-whacker?
No?
Then why the fuck would you stick your hand into the backside of a kids diaper... it's a shit sandwich that you cant afford to take a bite of. I guarantee you this though, once is all it takes to make this mistake. Have fun getting that green shit out of your fingernails champ..
This is a no brainer...but considering the audience that reads this blog, I should cover this one in depth... if a kid isn't smiling at you, he more than likely doesn't fucking like you! kids are awesome and have no problem letting you know how awesome they think you are...if you suck they will let you know by either biting you when you aren't looking, or finding some way to piss on you.
You can't finger fuck his face to make him smile, it will have the adverse effect trust me, and might lead to him biting the shit out of your finger, have fun with that- those teeth are like mini Ginsu knives in a bear trap. not gonna end well for you- when in doubt...
Candy!
Another tricky one here...
There is nothing I look forward to more than the first time my little man and I walk into a gym, and he asks for a spot as he powers through 315 like it owes him money. But that day is NOT today! this is a fucking baby, not a 15 year old kid going through puberty popping boners in Math class wondering why his voice sounds funny. lower your expectations and don't let them lift heavy shit, you should know that my daughter (5) can do more push ups and leg lifts than half the guys reading this blog right now. prove me wrong!
tune in next time for more Parenting 101.
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